Disruption~
The word alone doesn’t sound so bad. Only three syllables. And honestly we all experience disruption any given day. My disruption usually comes in the form of a five year old asking for the next bit of entertainment. Whether you are a mother or a CEO for a Fortune 500 company you will have daily disruptions. But in the adoption world this word is much bigger, deeper and more emotional.
In the adoption world a disruption implies a failed adoption. I don’t know anyone who has disrupted an adoption until now. I am the disruptor. I am living through a failed adoption, along with my family and the child we cannot adopt. We had a 14 year old girl with our family for the last 8 months and recently that process has been disrupted and she was placed in respa care.
Her name is Sarah. She is beautiful in appearance and spirit. But a long time ago someone I will never know broke her. And our family and love was not enough to mend her broken life. She came to us when she was 13 years old. She was so unschooled about so many things. She had little to no manners, self esteem, trust or love. But over the last 8 months I saw those things changing. Sarah did implement manners, her self esteem escalated, her trust never prevailed but her love would shine through now and then. About the 6th month mark she began to change.
I don’t know what caused her changes. Was it her time to leave or so she thought? We were not her first home or family, we were her 7th home total in her short 13 years. Was it the newest adoption to our family? We brought home a nine year old boy from China that Sarah didn’t particularly interact well with. Was it the pain? Sarah always said she felt like it would hurt her mother Linda if she loved us. Was it fear? Did Sarah fear that being a part of our family would mean she was no longer Linda’s daughter. Was it anger? Did we love her in a way she could finally understand that Linda never would? I don’t know. I know that in the end Sarah left. She took a piece of my heart with her. Sarah is and will always be my daughter. I will always know where she is and how she is and I hope one day that my doorbell rings and when I open the door Sarah will be standing there smiling back at me. I hope that our love was enough to carry Sarah wherever she goes next. I hope she always knows…I love her.
Kim~
Sidenote-without sharing personal information about Sarah, it was medically recommended that Sarah live somewhere else for the safety of our smaller children.
The word alone doesn’t sound so bad. Only three syllables. And honestly we all experience disruption any given day. My disruption usually comes in the form of a five year old asking for the next bit of entertainment. Whether you are a mother or a CEO for a Fortune 500 company you will have daily disruptions. But in the adoption world this word is much bigger, deeper and more emotional.
In the adoption world a disruption implies a failed adoption. I don’t know anyone who has disrupted an adoption until now. I am the disruptor. I am living through a failed adoption, along with my family and the child we cannot adopt. We had a 14 year old girl with our family for the last 8 months and recently that process has been disrupted and she was placed in respa care.
Her name is Sarah. She is beautiful in appearance and spirit. But a long time ago someone I will never know broke her. And our family and love was not enough to mend her broken life. She came to us when she was 13 years old. She was so unschooled about so many things. She had little to no manners, self esteem, trust or love. But over the last 8 months I saw those things changing. Sarah did implement manners, her self esteem escalated, her trust never prevailed but her love would shine through now and then. About the 6th month mark she began to change.
I don’t know what caused her changes. Was it her time to leave or so she thought? We were not her first home or family, we were her 7th home total in her short 13 years. Was it the newest adoption to our family? We brought home a nine year old boy from China that Sarah didn’t particularly interact well with. Was it the pain? Sarah always said she felt like it would hurt her mother Linda if she loved us. Was it fear? Did Sarah fear that being a part of our family would mean she was no longer Linda’s daughter. Was it anger? Did we love her in a way she could finally understand that Linda never would? I don’t know. I know that in the end Sarah left. She took a piece of my heart with her. Sarah is and will always be my daughter. I will always know where she is and how she is and I hope one day that my doorbell rings and when I open the door Sarah will be standing there smiling back at me. I hope that our love was enough to carry Sarah wherever she goes next. I hope she always knows…I love her.
Kim~
Sidenote-without sharing personal information about Sarah, it was medically recommended that Sarah live somewhere else for the safety of our smaller children.
5 comments:
Kim, I will continue to lift you in prayer. You and your family has been through some very dark days. Your struggles on this difficult path are never carried alone. I love you!
Kim, I understand your pain. I hoped I could make it work, just like you. I think about her every day and wonder how she is. She has many mothers, but the most important one broke her heart, the one who abandoned her because of sin in the world. The sin of a government saying that more than one child is wrong, children with birth defects are damaged, etc. I am so sorry.
Kim, thank you for those kind words. I know you must have hurt as well. Our family is healing in time and know that she is best where she is now. She just couldn't accept happiness...something Linda kept with her there I suppose. I can only hope we made progress with Sarah and that someday she will return and I can give her a big hug!
God bless you as you continue to mother those in your home, and those who remain in your prayers.
Your story is heart wrenching and sad but heart warming is the fact that I have Sarah in my 8th grade music appreciation class here in Kokomo and she is a delight to talk to and teach. She has had so many disappointments in such a short life - my heart goes out to her. However, she seems to be taking it in stride and developing into a lovely, intelligent young women. I LOVE having her in class!
Lynne Sylvester
Central Middle School
kokomo, IN
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